I have a really hard time gaining the motivation to get important things done in my life. You could call it procrastination, but I genuinely feel a mental and physical block, resulting in nothing getting addressed properly. I worry about what will happen during the process, and my biggest fear is failure, so I obsess over the details and I never complete, or even begin, some very basic and important tasks.
My boutique weighs heavily on me currently. I want it to be perfect, but I don’t have what I need to make my vision come true. I sit it aside and ignore it all together. I do this with many things, work, hobbies, chores… once I feel that level of overwhelming pressure, I either go in to panic mode or I bottle everything up and avoid the situation entirely. This tends to get me in trouble, sometimes minor legal trouble. I’m an adult, my disorder just makes it difficult to act as such sometimes. This is something I’m attempting to address in therapy.
My doctor makes it sound so easy. I tell her that I either panic or go numb towards different things and she simply says “well, I guess you can address it, or go numb”. She’s said this in a few different ways about a variety of subjects, and its become another minor annoyance. If I could so easily address it, I would, however I know my obsessive tendencies will take the wheel and I won’t give it the proper attention. But she brings up instances of me just pushing through. My anxiety has been at an all time low, but I still feel such loneliness, even while surrounded by people. But I’ve pushed through, if nothing else to say I’ve accomplished the experience. But I have a hard time doing this with things, especially the math part of my business proposal. I keep putting it off because business terms like “break even analysis” make me feel dumb. I have ADHD and did horrible in school, I’ve finally been prescribed medication so I can focus better but again, my anxiety and obsession take over before the task has even begun. So I sit, stuck. Physically, mentally, emotionally stuck. I guess I just need to push through. So after my session today, I did just that.
Again, I’m an adult. I make money, and I pay my bills, but I slip up on things every now and then. Such as my vehicle registration. I’ve lived in Louisville for 4 years now, and my car still has Texas tags on it. I could get pulled over for expired registration and inspection stickers, but in the 4 years I’ve been here, its never happened. I drive a “flashy” and loud car, but I do the speed limit and I think police don’t pay attention to the fact that my tags are expired because my plates are out of state. And I honestly don’t drive much, unless I have a therapy appointment everything I need is within walking distance. It just so happens that I have therapy a lot more often these days, and I’ve become curious about the neighborhoods outside of my own so I’ve been on the road more often lately. I realized there was an office that would address both my inspection and registration near my therapists office. I figured today was a great day to take the plunge and go get legal before I eventually get in trouble.
I was worried for a few reasons. I had a speeding ticket in Texas that I never cleared up and my Kentucky license was suspended. I paid it off a couple months ago, but was never sent a letter stating the warrant was dropped. I also have a couple of unpaid parking tickets, I lost both of them and I haven’t bothered to go to the parking authority to clear them up as I’m almost never downtown during the week. Lastly, the tint on my driver side window is warped and that is something they measure as it could technically obstruct my view. I don’t have the money to pay tickets or get the tint fixed at the moment, and I was scared they wouldn’t let me drive away now that I’ve brought it to the attention of the sheriffs department that I’ve been driving illegally for a few years. But today something told me to push through. The consequences of driving illegally or getting in to an accident without proper paperwork is way worse than just sucking it up and getting up to date. So I went to the county clerks office and finally addressed it. They didn’t even measure the tint, nor did they bring up any tickets. I just paid the taxes on my car, got my plates, and drove away… completely legal! It took all of 45 minutes. I pushed through and finally got something done. I now feel empowered to do more of the same with other things. I just have to keep pushing through.