I saw my psychologist again this evening. After touching on my current feelings, we picked up where we left off, the drama surrounding my wedding. I’m not going to divulge every detail here to protect my family and friends. To make a really long story short, a couple members of my husbands family had an incident with one of my best friends. She was also my maid of honor, wedding planner, and made all of the decorations by hand. She felt as though it was best to disinvite herself from all of the festivities. I tried to mend the situation as best as possible but it was far past salvageable before I even knew what had actually happened. I decided if she wasn’t going to be there, someone I had known for about a decade and considered family, I didn’t want the offenders there either. We questioned if there was a point in having a party without these key members of our lives, and ended up canceling the entire thing. No dancing and mayhem for my bachelorette party, no private ceremony by the lake, no reception to bring our families together. We even canceled our Air BnB in Burlington, Vermont.
We instead got married at our neighborhood park. The only ones in attendance were my surrogate brother and his wife, and my husbands best friend and his girlfriend. An old buddy of my husbands officiated and it was about 10 minutes long. Afterwards we were able to have dinner with my new father and mother in law. During this drama, we spent more time with them and felt it was right to include them on our special day. It wasn’t the 40+ person shrimp boil we had planned for our reception, but it was something. My new mother in law (my husbands step mother) was amazing, reserving a table at a Wizard of Oz themed tea dinner the night before. I enjoyed my first tea party with her, her mother, and a couple of my girlfriends. One of my friends tried to keep the party going but it just wasn’t the send off I had hoped for.
We went to Las Vegas for our honeymoon. I’ve been before and loved it but my husband was new to the city. We enjoyed ourselves and had some romantic moments. My birthday fell during this time and I got a bunch of awesome stuff. But to be honest, as honeymoons go, it fucking sucked. I was so concerned about how my husband was going to react to things I became sick. When the drama around our wedding began, his rage would be revealed. He would say and do things that have no place in a loving and healthy relationship. His anger became a trigger for my anxiety, and he doesn’t behave in a constructive manner when I have these episodes so it was only exacerbated by his attitude. I spent most of the time on egg shells, trying to ensure he was enjoying himself in a city not really geared towards his amusement. I knew in my heart Vegas was little more than a consolation prize and just another thing that didn’t go as planned for him. I got sick several times and spent an inordinate amount of time trying to calm myself in the shower and tub.
We arrived back in Louisville and the very next day the fighting began. It escalated when he proclaimed he never wanted to go to Vegas. I felt betrayed, and it made me question the validity of the few happy memories I acquired there. I thought of our intimate dinner at the Eiffel Tower restaurant and the gondola ride in which we were sweetly serenaded at the Venetian. Was he just going through the motions? I was angry and the argument spiraled out of control. He would lash out in anger and do something to trigger my anxiety higher than it had been in years. Nothing physical, but in all honesty, I’m surprised the police weren’t called. I removed myself from the house and contacted his support system, let them know what was going on, and we developed a game plan. I made it clear that if he did not seek help for his anger issues, I would no longer live with him. So he began therapy.
My home situation is a lot better than it was. I feel safe. We are working things out and have began marriage counseling. My husband is still figuring out relationships with the members of his family that were involved in the drama. I have forgiven one and we are moving on, but the other – I have nothing for. I reached out a few times and was ignored, and I only give people so many chances these days. We have become closer to his fathers family and have gained a deep appreciation for them. They have been welcoming and show us such love. In all fairness, they always did, but in our darkest moments we have bonded and that bond continues to grow stronger. I finally have the family I was missing my entire life. People who’s love isn’t conditional and accept me as I am. People who consider my feelings and show a desire to get to know me. I have a mom who is compassionate. A father who is a strong male role model. A sister that is so supportive and eager to spend time with me. A brother shares my interests and is easy to talk to. All these things, I’ve come to value greatly.
My therapist now knew pretty much everything that brought me to this point in my life. It was understood that the drama around the wedding forced a level of regression in my treatment, and it was now time to cope and pick up the pieces. We also explored a goal of mine, to break my dependencies on certain vices. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy just doesn’t work for me, and I explained to her how I needed to really work on this issue and get to the root of my problems. She mentioned, for lack of a better word, punishing myself. We picked one vice to begin with as to not overwhelm myself trying to manage everything at once. I was directed to set a limit each week on my consumption, and if I failed to adhere to it, I was to reprimand myself in one way or another. She gave examples of not allowing myself to consume anymore, or attending meetings for addicts. I’m still trying to find a punishment that will actually deter me from over consumption, but I have a feeling this method will keep me in line. I have a social situation coming up this weekend that I will have to attend solo, so its a good test of my willpower. I’ll be in a new place and I don’t know if there will be anyone for me to chat with there, so I’m nervous and I know I will try to self medicate to manage my anxiety. I also know if I over due it, I will get sick, and it may likely trigger my PTSD. So I know I need to be careful. Hopefully this will give me the structure I need.
We began a new topic right as our time came up. It centers around the subject of loneliness, you can read about my feelings here. I was once again left feeling fulfilled and confident in my recovery after this session. I am glad to have finally found a therapist I can work with, one that makes me feel comfortable, truly listens to me, and helps me achieve my goals. I let her know that she was the first therapist that met all of this criteria, and she said she felt like a lot of people in therapy don’t want to set goals, they never think of recovery in the long term. But I am a results oriented person, and needed a different approach. I’m just happy to have found her.